Redefining Strong: What Strength Can Look Like for Black Women

Strength has carried Black women through a lot.

We have watched women in our families and communities work, provide, nurture, advocate, problem-solve, make a way, hold families together, and keep moving through circumstances that required more of them than should have been required.

There is a lot to honor in that strength.

There is also room to ask what happens when strength becomes an expectation rather than a choice.

The idea of the "Strong Black Woman" can carry an unspoken set of rules: handle it yourself, keep going, don't let people see you struggle, take care of everyone, figure it out, and don't ask for too much in return.

For some Black women, those expectations can come from family or community. Others encounter them at work, in relationships, through media, or in the broader expectations placed on Black women in society. And sometimes we've carried those messages for so long that they begin to sound like our own.

Strength itself isn't the problem.

The question is whether the version of strength you're carrying still serves you.

Maybe strength can include knowing when to push.

And knowing when to stop.

Speaking up.

Asking for help.

Letting someone take care of you.

Admitting that something hurts.

Changing your mind.

Saying no.

Resting before you're exhausted.

You get to decide what being strong looks like in your life.

Notice the Rules You've Learned About Strength

Before you can redefine strength, it helps to recognize how you've already defined it.

Think about the messages you received growing up, as well as the expectations you've encountered as an adult.

What happened when someone cried?

Who was allowed to need help?

Who took care of everyone else?

What happened when a woman said no?

Were mistakes treated with compassion or criticism?

Was rest respected?

Was asking for help encouraged?

You may have learned some beautiful lessons about resilience, perseverance, faith, family, and showing up for the people you love.

You may also have picked up beliefs that deserve another look.

Try completing this sentence:

A strong woman should always ____________.

Whatever comes to mind may tell you something about the expectations you've been carrying.

Then ask yourself- Do I still agree with that?

You don't have to reject everything you were taught to decide that some of it no longer fits.

Let Yourself Be Supported

Being capable can make it easy to become the person everyone relies on.

You know how to handle things. People trust you. When something needs to get done, you're often the one who figures out how to do it.

But being capable doesn't mean you should have to carry everything alone.

Support can come from friends, family, a partner, community, faith spaces, support groups, or a mental health professional. Different people may meet different needs, and no single relationship has to provide everything.

Take a look at the relationships already around you.

Who can you be honest with?

Who listens without immediately making the conversation about themselves?

Who respects your boundaries?

Who celebrates you without competing with you?

Who can sit with you when there isn't an easy solution?

And just as importantly- Who allows you to receive?

Building support also requires participation. Reach out. Return the call. Make plans. Tell people what you need when you can. Show up for the relationships that feel mutual and nourishing.

You can be someone others depend on and still have people you depend on too.

Make Room for Vulnerability

Vulnerability can feel risky when you've learned that being composed keeps you protected.

There may have been good reasons for that lesson.

Black women don't move through every environment with the same freedom to express anger, fear, hurt, uncertainty, or frustration without those emotions being interpreted through stereotypes. Being selective about where and with whom you're vulnerable can be a form of discernment.

But protecting yourself in some spaces doesn't require hiding from yourself in all of them.

You can acknowledge when you're hurt.

You can say, "I don't know."

You can tell someone you trust that you're struggling.

You can cry when you need to cry.

You can admit that something is too much.

You can need comfort without first proving how much you've endured.

Vulnerability doesn't require telling everyone everything. You decide who has earned access to the more tender parts of you.

Strength can include having safe places where you don't have to hold everything together.

Set Boundaries Around What You Carry

If strength has meant being dependable, setting a boundary can feel like you're letting someone down.

You may be accustomed to being the fixer, the reliable one, the person who takes the extra assignment, answers the phone, lends the money, solves the problem, keeps the peace, or somehow finds room for one more responsibility.

Eventually, all of that carrying has a cost.

A boundary helps you decide what you have the capacity and willingness to give.

That might sound like:

"I can't take that on right now."

"I can help with this part, but I can't do the whole thing."

"I'm not available tonight."

"I need some time to think before I commit."

"I don't want to be spoken to that way."

"No."

Some boundaries will disappoint people, particularly people who benefited from you not having them.

Their disappointment doesn't automatically mean your boundary is unreasonable.

Pay attention to what consistently leaves you depleted, resentful, uncomfortable, or feeling as though your needs don't matter. Those feelings may be telling you where a boundary deserves consideration.

Allow Yourself to Need Something Too

When you're used to caring for other people, it can become surprisingly difficult to answer a simple question:

What do I need?

Not what does everyone need from you.

Not what needs to get done.

Not what would make life easier for somebody else.

What do you need?

Maybe you need rest.

Help.

Time alone.

Company.

Reassurance.

A difficult conversation.

A doctor's appointment you've been postponing.

A therapist.

A day when you're not responsible for making everyone else's experience better.

Or something enjoyable that serves no purpose beyond making you happy.

Having needs doesn't diminish your ability to care for other people.

Your needs belong in the equation too.

Give Yourself Permission to Change the Definition

Strength doesn't have to look the same in every season of your life.

There may have been a time when putting your head down and getting through it was exactly what you needed to do.

That doesn't mean survival mode has to become your permanent way of living.

You can keep the parts of strength that serve you.

Your perseverance.

Your courage.

Your resourcefulness.

Your ability to advocate for yourself and others.

Your determination.

And you can add to the definition.

Discernment.

Rest.

Boundaries.

Receiving.

Vulnerability.

Asking for help.

Walking away.

Choosing yourself.

Joy.

There is room for all of it.

Define Strong for Yourself

You don't have to stop being strong.

You get to decide what deserves to be included in the definition.

Maybe your strength looks like carrying something difficult today.

Maybe tomorrow it looks like putting something down.

Maybe it means advocating loudly for yourself.

Maybe it means quietly admitting to someone you trust, "I need you."

Maybe it means saying yes.

Maybe it means finally saying no.

The strength Black women have demonstrated across generations deserves to be honored.

And so does our freedom to decide how we want to carry it forward.

You can be strong without having to be strong all the time.